The One With All The Sobbing

Yesterday was a bad day. It stopped being Friday and turned into Cryday at about 8:25 in the morning when I stepped into a puddle Vicar of Dibley style. It all went downhill from there. The day ended on a seriously low note when I watched an old episode of Smallville; it was from season 2 and Clark wears the red meteor rock ring and hurts everyone who cares about him. I couldn't bear to watch it - I didn't know Clark Kent could be so cruel. I bawled for a good two hours after that and fell asleep still sobbing.

Usually, after Cryday comes Faturday. I make up for the tears and dehydration by eating everything in sight and sitting in the garden telling my rabbit Paul about my woes. Not today though. I challenged Faturday in an attempt to claim back my weekend. Paul got a break and I went to the gym again. It was a very weird experience. It smelt less like public transport this time, which was great, but I felt very intimidated by the woman on the treadmill next to me who was dance-running. Like, literally dancing while she ran. Is that a thing? I don't know. Should I have been doing it? I don't know. I ditched the treadmill for fear that I had been using it wrong and went to do some sit ups. I did two. Then I cried. Then I shouted at my personal trainer (dad) to just let me lie on the floor and be chubby. I saw a guy on a nearby rower laughing at me out of the corner of my eye and I decided it was time to go home. He was laughing at me?? He was rowing, on land, in a poor excuse for a boat and HE was laughing at ME? Maybe Faturday was winning. Until...

A thought struck me. I don't have to eat junk all day and unburden my soul to a hare who may or may not be listening, just to make myself feel better. It doesn't work. In fact, there is no rejection quite like Paul hopping away right in the middle of my monologue. So instead, I left him outside and decide to write a list of things to be happy about. I came up with a really unique title for said list, as you can see.

Becca Biscuit's List of Things to Be Happy About

1. I am not Prince Harry's ex-girlfriend. Whilst I know deep down that we are destined to be together, it hasn't happened just yet. However, I am now seeing this as a wonderful thing. If there is anything worse than not being Prince Harry's girlfriend it has to be being Prince Harry's ex girlfriend. Imagine the sheer joy you would feel if that glorious ginger Prince loved you. Then imagine that joy being taken away and replaced with nothing but ginger-induced pain and horror if he stopped. The longer it is before I meet him, the longer it is until he dumps me.

2. People like Chris, Simpsons Artist exist. I don't know about anybody else, but I love living on a planet inhabited by this guy. I ordered one of his posters for my best friend's birthday and he included a free drawing of a heart with my name spelt incorrectly inside it. Today he is standing outside his local Tesco giving massages to women to "make them feel less stressed about being a woman". One of the things I miss most about Facebook is his posts.

3. Somebody invented dry shampoo. An essential item to get through daily life. Just incase I didn't mention it enough already, I joined a gym. I have since learnt that using my arms for anything other than lifting food to my mouth makes hair-washing a major chore. Some absolute genius invented dry shampoo, possibly for this exact reason, but who even cares why? What matters is that I get an extra hour in bed thanks to this bad boy.

4. Puppies. Just puppies.

5. Women who dance on treadmills. No matter how red my face turns, or how slow I run, or how many sit ups I can't do, or how messy my hair gets, or how much I lay on the floor and cry, if a woman dances on a treadmill people will always be looking at her. If people are looking at her, they won't even notice me plodding along at the end of the row, slightly offbeat because One Direction ballads are not the best to run to.

Next time Cryday comes along, I will be so prepared I can't even stand it.

As ever

Becca Biscuit