The One Where She Watches "The News"

When I was a child, every night without fail my dad would finish his tea and say "Right, I'm off to watch the News". I assumed that this News was on every single night after we finished our tea, regardless of whether we had it earlier or later than usual. Now that I'm older and perhaps wiser, I have realised that he just really didn't want to do the dishes. I've also realised that it is not a TV show that you can dispute. For example, if I stood up now after my tea and said "Right, I'm off to watch Teen Mom 3", I would be head first in the washing up bowl. The News is too legit to miss just to get the plates washed. People take it seriously. No one would ever question a man going to watch the News!

Anyway, I've never really been a fan myself, but now that I've given up Facebook I feel like I don't know anything that is going on in the world. I used to enjoy scrolling through my home page when I woke up in the morning, browsing like a commuter reading the Metro. I could find out what the weather was like without opening my curtains, if the trains were delayed without even sitting up in my bed, which celebrity has di...actually, no, I refuse to accept that celebrities die even if it is Facebook official. Speaking of Facebook official, you can't even expect people to believe you have a significant other these days unless it is tagged and displayed proudly for all to see.

A passing conversation in the office today about an ENTIRE PLANE THAT HAS GONE MISSING caused me to realise that I just don't know anything about the outside world. I'm cut off. I'm sure someone, somewhere on my news feed, would have posted an update about an AWOL aircraft to keep me in the loop at some point.

So, what is a girl to do? Give the News a try? What time is it on? Is the News even what the show is called? Or is it just News? Is it on different channels? Are some channels more newsy than other channels? Are Scousers allowed to be newsreaders? There is just so much I don't know. 

I decided to give it a try. It was okay. If anything, it taught me a lesson, a lesson I'm going to call SME; Social Media Exaggeration. Anything on this so called News is portrayed very differently as the same story on our Facebook timelines. 

For example, a headline today was "G7 warns Russia on annexing Crimea". At first I thought a Crimea was one of those weird foetuses (foeti??)  that used to be a twin then got all squished up to become one creepy two tone cat with blue eyes. I was wrong, obviously, but moving on... The SME version of this headline would be, 

"INSERT RACIST COMMENT HERE ABOUT DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES TAKING OUR JOBS". 

The racist comments used on Facebook always hurt my brain, because as well as being horrific, they are usually really irrelevant and the writer just needed an excuse to include it somewhere. 

I also discovered that the News tells you all about the weather. I now know that tomorrow in Liverpool it will reach a high of 8°. The SME version of this would be a vast amount of selfies uploaded by people wearing shorts, people complaining about being too hot, and others announcing that summer has finally arrived so get out and enjoy it before it ends. If I had access to Facebook right now I would be at risk of waltzing out the door tomorrow in flips flops and a dress only to be caught in the fog that is also forecast. 

I do miss Facebook, I'm not going to lie. Maybe though, when Lent is over, I will take what is posted there with a pinch of salt and try to be a little more curious about what is going on in the world around me.

As ever,

Becca Biscuit

P.S I was thinking of a Chimera